Parents EMPOWERED!!

Because nothing humbles, challenges and inspires one quite like parenthood.

By: Chantelle Vischer (Occupational Therapist, Mother of 2, Woman in ministry)

True to the Chantelle Vischer motto - Let’s get real for a moment, dear parent...

Parenthood is REALLY HARD. It doesn’t matter a person’s background, lifestyle, status or level of preparation, nothing can truly prepare a person for parenthood, of any shape or form.

I for one am honoured to have studied and continue to study in the field of paediatrics and have come to appreciate this background as I’ve ventured into this daunting thing called parenthood, myself. I am so blessed to be surrounded by an army of influential friends in the field of education, psychology, ministry, medicine, health & wellness and even business. And let me tell you - Even so, I constantly find myself stuck.

There is just no amount of research, no amount of advice and no amount of experience that could have ever prepared me for the vital role of raising 2 extremely strong-willed, beautifully unique, adventurous, courageous and God-fearing young men in a society overflowing with opinions, judgements and allot of false information.

Don’t get me wrong! I thrive on knowledge and love hearing people’s opinions but there is a fine line.

Full disclosure, when I started practicing as a young occupational therapist I was convinced that I had all the answers. I studied hard and worked even harder to convince myself and others that I was the expert. Now, although I did have allot of the answers, in theory, and do have a level of expertise and qualification - Boy oh boy have my 2 boys planted my arrogant feet firmly on the ground. I have, since then, learnt that a better approach is to listen, to learn, to watch, to wait and then to facilitate rather than dictate.

So in truth, this article is written not from a place of ‘knowing’ but ‘growing’. And what better way is there to grow than together?

You see, anyone that knows me well will tell you that I am extremely passionate about the next generation of South Africa. I genuinely believe in the untapped potential of our nations children and that in turn has nurtured an unshakable hope in our nations future.

It was, however, only in the past few years that I have come to learn that if we are to truly invest in the next generation of our nation, we need to invest equally if not more into the parents that are raising it.

If we’re being honest, we’ve all been there. That moment of looking square into our first baby’s eyes filled equally with anticipation, love, hope, dread and a little despair. Finally getting to the realisation that we have no freaking clue what we are doing or how on earth we are going to raise a little human.

This and so many other ‘how on earth am I going to do this’ moments are so normal and so necessary for every parent. It’s called humility, which paired with a whole lot of teachability and grace makes for the most resilient parents.

But for my left brainers let’s look at these 5 practical strategies to help raise a generation of even more resilient parents.

Build a ‘growing’ mindset. Instead of looking at changes, challenges and transitions as failure, look at it as another opportunity to grow in your capacity and character. Parenting is hard enough without us having to pretend like we have it all together all the time. How does the saying go? A wise man never knows all, only a fool ‘knows everything’. Too often I hear parents, mainly mothers, say that they have lost parts of themselves in raising kids but what if we shifted our midset away from loss and towards growth instead. If you think about it,  it’s not about losing parts but more so about gaining new parts and perspectives of ourselves that we didn’t even realise existed.

That’s growth!

Set realistic expectations. Ah man, the moment we stop comparing is the moment we find true freedom in our own parenting journey. Stop and take a look at your own family set-up and needs and focus your efforts there instead of other’s. Every family is unique. There is no one size fits all. What works for one household certainly won’t work for the next. We cannot be confined to research, statistics and parenting scripts. Do this, say that, be this way... We are PEOPLE in it’s fullest form. We read, we learn, we take what works for us and we chuck the rest. Not everything needs to be done ‘by the book’.

Write down the goals. Now that we have realistic expectations. Take some time to actually write down some parenting goals. For some reason we do it in all the other areas of our lives, our health, our work, our finances but not our parenting. Goals help us do positive things rather than remaining stuck worrying about negative things. If we have clear goals, we can set clear boundaries and in doing so become proactive parents rather than reactive parents. Parenting goals have nothing to do with a child’s achievements but everything to do with their character, morals, values and beliefs. What are the foundations that you want to instil in your children now to set them up for success in future and what methods can you put in place to facilitate the process. Remember although the method might change over the years, the mission should remain the same.

Please don’t do it alone. For the life of me I don’t understand where we got the notion that we need to always have our best foot forward. I’m not saying you need to parent ‘with’ or ‘in front’ of others all the time. I’m the biggest home-body if you’ve ever met one. Really! There is nothing I like more than being at home alone with my husband and 2 boys. BUT what I am saying is that surrounding yourself with people that can relate to your beautiful chaos, people that welcome your messy mind and home, people that don’t judge the hidden parts of you, people that send the meal, people that let’s you say the unthinkable about where you are at in life and loves all the broken, battered and bruised parts of you, people that believes the best for you is without a doubt what will see you through.

Keep showing up. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. All our kids need from us is our best and our best is inevitably going to look different from one day to the next. It’s going to take saying NO!  Remember those expectations? Remember those goals? We are going to have to learn to say no to places and people veering us away from our priorities, no to our children’s every need and desire, no to a world that demands our 110% all day everyday, no to that inner voice that tells us we’re not good enough, we’re messing it all up and that we can’t do hard things. NO! So that we can say YES! Yes to right things at the right time and for the right reasons.

I believe in you Brave Parent. Perfection is SO overrated let’s set our minds to progress instead.