Purposeful Parenting

A simple guide to parenting in today's day and age

By: Chantelle Vischer (Occupational Therapist, mother of 2 boys, worship pastor)

Hey! I get it... To be a parent in our current climate is no easy feat. We live in a day and age where we as parents as well as our children are constantly bombarded with the latest research, other people's opinions and views and well very contradicting information.

So no! This certainly is not yet another article to add to the already overwhelming amount of information out there but more so to provide a simple and generalised guideline to practice more purposeful parenting.

Now before I go any further I feel it necessary to remind you that we will never get it right 100% of the time. If we strive to be but 1% better every day we are making progress and that's all our children need from us right?

Yes I said it, we want progress not perfection. So, personally - I aim for the 80% - 20% rule. This way I am both intentional about my parenting journey but also allow myself the grace to fail, learn and try again. I am a sucker for an alliteration so without further ado... The 5 P's of Purposeful Parenting; Preparation, Presence, Positive and realistic reinforcement, Patience and Prayer.

Preparation is probably one the best things we can do for ourselves and our children in a world filled with constant change.

You see, although routine and structure are paramount to our children's secure development, the reality is that things change and we need to learn to adapt.

But how do we find that magic balance between the two? Well - we don't. "We learn to control the things that we can, when we feel out of control" - Yes I did just quote Olaf from Frozen 2, and we do this by keeping the start and the end of our days as consistent as possible.

The idea here is to create intentional and safe spaces at the start and the end of our children's days to connect and converse. We can use these times to prepare them for the day ahead as best as possible - Wonderful times to do so, is during breakfast, which I'd recommend you do as a family, as well as the car ride to school.

We can also use these times to help our children process their days gone by. Great times to do this is during the car ride on their way back home from school, dinner time, which I'd again recommend you do as a family around a table and 10 to 20 minutes before bed time.

It is imperative that we learn to listen and learn in these moments. We do not have to have all the answers or give solutions, it’s merely facilitating a reflection process for our children.

If you don't know what to say, it is helpful to just repeat what your child said in a different way (e.g. if your child says, "I didn't enjoy break time." you can say, "Oh? You didn't enjoy break time, huh?") Then... Wait, watch and listen.

Last but not the least, these should be strictly screen free zones and times!

Presence is a bit of a tough one, especially in this highly demanding world we live in. However, current research has proven that a mere 10 minutes of individual, unstructured and child-lead play, a day, has a positive impact on our children’s overall emotional well-being. That's right, just 10 minutes.

Now, this word 'play' can scare some parents, especially those with older children. I get it, play comes naturally to some people and not so much to others, and that's OK! Play can be anything from playing with dolls, cars, balls, pillow fights etc. to board games, card games, playing a game of soccer, rugby, cricket or netball etc.

The idea here is to follow your child’s interests in that moment and not dictate or direct that time together. Be intentionally present, make eye-contact, and show affection. Set 10 minutes a day aside for just that and be unwavering! Before you know it,10 minutes will become 20 minutes then 30 minutes...

Positive and realistic reinforcement aids our kids in establishing a sound identity, rooted in truth. Positive feedback helps build confidence which fosters exploration and a sense of pride. Realistic feedback helps keep our children grounded and prevents an inflated sense of self.

What our children think of themselves and what others think of them matters a great deal to them. It is easier to look for affirmation and encouragement in all the wrong places if not offered at home. Be sure to constantly speak life and love over your children. Try to shift the reward to the process and not the outcome.

Patience is a virtue. Remember to breathe, dear parent. Unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders and take 5 deep breaths. It's ok to give yourself and your children a little grace. Be patient with each other. Slip ups and bad days are inevitable. Parenting is ever changing, it’s an accumulation of so many experiences. One bad day does not define the type of parent that you are nor does one bad day shape your child into the person they will become. It's consistency that counts.

Pray daily. Hard as it may be, we need to accept that we cannot control and protect our children from all the dangers this world has to offer.

My 'Ouma' (grandmother) raised 4 wonderful children, 7 grandchildren, 3 great grandchildren and counting... And whenever I ask her how she does it, she responds with the following, "My knees are constantly raw from kneeling on floor and praying over my family."

Ouma Bets is now deep in her 80's, has gone completely blind and whenever you walk past her room, you still hear the murmurs of her prayers. We feel it cover us daily and so I have come to do the same for my family.

No one has this beautifully chaotic thing called parenting figured out. As long as we approach this thing with humility, teachability and a whole lot of love and laughter, we are sure to be on the right track.